Em rolled over twice from her back to her tummy today. She is doing so well!
This sequence makes me laugh and cringe all at the same time. K is so helpful that she has decided that teaching Em to roll over need not be done only by Mommy and her teacher...she did this yesterday and I freaked out because it looks so harsh, but when I got over to the girls, Emily was smiling and giggling so I supervised and let it go. Today, when she did it again, I got the camera out. Yes, she is rolling her over from side to side and then putting her on her tummy and talking to her so she will lift her head up. What a crazy girl!!
They are going to test Emily for cystic fibrosis this coming week. It's just another test, right? I thought so, but it's killing me. CF is a terrible disease that would take Emily's life way too early.
I watched my baby for weeks, wondering each day if she was going to die or not...wondering if she had a future and if I was going to plan her first birthday or her funeral. The incredible sorrow and heartbreak that I felt for so long nearly broke me. But for the grace of God, it would have. Over the last several months of having her home, I have let it sink in that she has a future and even if she can't do all the things that kids with sight can, everything else is open to her...and that's a LOT in my estimation.
As the reality of this test sinks in, I find myself crying, scared and frustrated. I know I can't handle this again. My heart will fail, I am sure of it. My head hurts from fighting the battle of doubt and frustration. Did we really come through all of that just to turn around and watch her die early from a genetic disease that has no cure? It seems cruel.
And yet God continues to challenge me, "Do you trust me? Do you STILL believe?". I have to say yes, although it is through tears I speak the word. I can't believe how hard it is after all we have been through and to watch God come through over and over and over again, you would think I would be able to say 'of course I do, Father'. I feel like a traitor and it grieves my heart that He even has to ask me again. Didn't I win this battle a million times? Shouldn't it be over? I guess not, so I go back to fundamentals. I declare what I believe and tell Satan to get behind me.
No matter what comes of this test on Thursday, I still believe that what He has for us is the best for all of us. That He planned it out long before I was around and it will bring glory to His name. I still believe He is enough for me and He will give me more and more grace. I still believe He is our healer. I still believe there is hope in the name of the Lord. I still believe nothing is impossible for Him. I still believe He loves my little girl more than I ever could.
And I pray my little heart out every day between now and then that even if she has it now, He will remove it and cure her before that day. David prayed for his son (with Bathsheba) day and night until he died, and then he got up and moved on. I will pray day and night for my little girl until I know for sure and then no matter the outcome, I will move on. Pray with me please. And pray for my failing heart.
I love those girls! Look at those photos again! :)
6 comments:
Oh, Becky, I weep with you.
Keep taking pictures and documenting your girls' special friendship. These are the times to hold onto, the times to treasure in your heart.
And in the pain, praise God for that pain. Thank Him for the hardship, for surely we know and trust that He is good, and He is Love. He IS working all things together for good, although no trouble seems easy at the time.
In praising the name of the Lord, you will find yourself once more entering into His perspective -- one that is eternal, from the beginning of time to the end. And you will find His peace there, in that place, in His heart.
Becky -
Continuing to pray for you, your heart, your Emily. I hope you know what an encouragement you are to all of us as you go through this trial of faith! It's probably small comfort, but God is using your testimony in hundreds, maybe thousands of lives. I have thought about your analogy of you fixing K's doll so many times since you wrote it. Thank you for your openness in sharing. We are praying - and rejoicing in these beautiful pictures of your girls!
thank you so much for telling these stories. i REALLY needed that. also, your photos are great.
I will keep praying for you too. We have all come to love both your little girls. God knew Em needed to have a big sister like K who stimulates and interacts with her without any preconceived restrictions of what her sister can and cannot do. The photos are precious! Amazing to see how far Em has come in her development! I can relate to your grief and understand how doubts and fears arise but please continue to remind satan he has no control but must be removed, I pray for even more faith to believe for you and God does help give us the faith we need to believe and trust HIM thoughout the tests in life. His refining can be so humbling but remember that in Him we can have victory. (I recently went through this again with our potential nursing strike, no job incomes possibly but as always God works details out in just the right time.) GOD is good and worthy to be praised!! Praying for you. Hugs from me.
You don't know me, but I have followed your story from the time Jim Erickson shared it with us. I have prayed for you since and will continue to do so. I have been reluctant to write as we had a very difficult pregnancy and from the beginning didn't know if we would ever see our baby on earth. The day after he was born he stopped breathing and turned completely blue. I remember vividly falling apart as the nurses attended to him. "God, you brought us this far only for this?" Regardless of the outcome, God was in control, He loved my son, and He loved me. Unfortunately my mind was/is not capable of understanding the depth & width of God's love; nor understand His ways. I offer you my continued prayers as you, by faith, navigate the waters of life...sometimes smooth sailing...most often wavy and uncharted.
Post a Comment