ONE YEAR!!

Emily Grace is one year old today!  We are going to celebrate on Wednesday when my parents are here so today was a pretty normal day...minus a hundred tiny outbursts of tears.  How many parents do you know who cry through their child's first birthday?  I am actually grateful that we couldn't have a party today because I would have been a wreck. 

My aunt said it best...when you go through something this stressful and hard, it is too much for the mind to comprehend, so our emotions do the talking.  Well, mine were talking up a storm today...well, actually it started last night when April called and said, "How are you doing with tomorrow?"  I asked her why she hated me and we talked.  I cried last night because I was scared of this day.  Why?  I have no idea.  Memories, fear, pain, elation, joy, gratitude...for so long, I didn't think it was going to come or, if it did, what it would bring with it?  Yep.

For me, today was a series of taking a look at the clock and then taking a look at Emily.  Let me explain.  Everything was normal, feeding kids, a trip to the park, visits with family and off to church.  Yet, periodically, I would look at the clock and have a very vivid flashback, "Wow, right now I (fill in the blank)...just found out I have complete placenta previa and the placenta is tearing away from the wall of my uterus.  They want me on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy." And I cry from memories of fear, sadness and uncertainty.  But then I would look at Emily and watch her walk around her play table and think, "She's smacking that play table like it did something wrong, transferring around it, and is so excited that she laughs for no apparent reason".  And I break out into praise to God and I cry some more.

Feed a baby, take a look at the clock and suddenly I am talking to the NICU consultant and she is telling me that if Emily comes this early she probably won't survive but if she does, there is a laundry list of issues she is likely going to deal with.  I am crying in my hospital bed.  I am crying in my house one year later.  Then Emily crawls over to me, stands up and grabs my nose.  Here she stands, in front of me, my curious little monster.  And I praise God and I cry.  She is staring at my face...seeing my face.  I praise God and cry a little more.  And this went on here and there all day long. Believe it or not, I looked at the clock right when I am pretty sure we named her Emily Grace...I kept thinking, "We named our daughter when I was in the most physical pain I have ever been in in my whole life...and yet her name is beautiful and a perfect reflection of God's hand that is about to grace her life."  Oh, and I cry some more.  The image I wish I could get out of my head is all the blood and the look on M's face as they wheeled me away.  The image I replace it with is right up the page and the look on M's face when he sees the Halloween pic of the girls.  

I get the parents of micro-preemies who don't want to celebrate their child's first birthday...I was there once.  Everything about that day is painful and wrong.  But over the course of this year, I have come to realize one thing: we aren't celebrating THAT day.  We are celebrating TODAY.  One year later.  On that day, everything went horribly wrong and dreams were crushed. On this day, hope is alive, Emily is alive and doing oh so very well.  So, no, I am not celebrating November 6, 2009, I cry in sadness over the memories from that day.  I AM, however, celebrating November 6, 2010.  The day that reminds us that we serve a GREAT God, that Emily Grace defies the odds...the day she wasn't supposed to be here.  I cry because the mountain she stands on today may seem teeny tiny to the world but makes Mt Everest seem teeny tiny to me.  She is victorious today and God willing will rise to even greater heights in the future.

I am going to end Emily's birthday by walking in to their room.  I will take a look at the TWO cribs with my TWO girls sleeping soundly in them.  I will kneel on the floor and praise our God in heaven who thought to give me such wonderful gifts.      

AWOL

So I know I need to update, but I feel like I am doing a term paper that I waited for the last minute to start...I am working to finish Emily's scrapbook before my parents get here on Monday (and we celebrate Em's first birthday on Wednesday). I haven't even checked email and if I didn't have a husband, I wouldn't know who won the election.  I am close and if I can get to the store today (not so likely since M worked all night and then had court in the morning, so he is probably going to sleep until he goes to back to work), I could finish tomorrow.

Anyway, thought I would take this moment to update on my brother in law. He is out of the hospital, came home on Tuesday and seems to be doing pretty well. He can't climb the stairs yet but has at least been able to help out with the girls while my sister is at work. My sister's best friend will be there this weekend and next week my brother and his family will get to stay for a week and help with all the work that needs to get done. Mitch will try to start going back to work in a week.

Just a couple of the pages from Em's book....this is when we were first starting to hold her...her first shirt she ever wore and the diapers that were way to big for her for such a long time.

I have been using shapes of body parts to explain what is wrong with her so she doesn't get overwhelmed and if she wants to follow one problem at a time, she can just follow the shape...you can see a brain, intestines and a sack of blood for blood issues.

 

People keep asking me if they are too late to send in a note for Emily's yearbook...nope.  Her notes will be at the end of the book and since this is scrapbooking, I can always just add more pages.  Thanks! 

Old Friends and Dressing Up

Well, it's been an adventurous few days. We got to see some old friends from Redding...

Emily is not doing very well on our transition to formula. On the first day, she refused to eat for five and a half hours and then finally gave in. Now she is throwing up and crying (I assume a stomach ache)...and we started her out on the sensitive tummy formula. She is 14 pounds 5 ounces now and has a little fat on her thighs.

We also got her oxygen machine on Friday...it was delivered by a respiratory therapist who smokes. Yep, that's for real. We had to put the machine in the living room next to the air purifier for two days just to get it to stop stinking. I have not successfully gotten it on her yet, I am going to need M to help. She whips her head back and forth and grabs it and pulls it out, so we are going to need two of us to get that done.

I have no idea why this brings great joy to my heart, but seeing both my girls swinging at the park makes me smile.

This little girl is only 15 months old...is everyone bigger than K??

Going to church...

And of course, Halloween. This is SO typical of my girls right now. K will look at me but not smile...but this look makes me crack up!! Em smiles ALL the time. I even took her eight month pics by myself...she's that easy to make smile.

K is showing you her frog feet.

In other news, the drs drained 1 liter of fluid from between the lining of the lung and the ribs of my brother-in-law (he has pleurisy). IF there isn't any bacteria in it, he will be released Monday. Mitch's boss took the truck and has it running again. My brother is trying to get some time off to get out there to help out with all the stuff that needs to get done before winter rolls in. Please keep them in your prayers.