No More Blood

At least for now, it appears the blood in the stool is done. Now we wait four days and then try the breast milk again. Her bum still looks like the worst teenage acne I have seen and it makes me feel bad but I am not sure how much it bothers her...maybe she has just endured so much pain by now that a bum rash means nothing? Who knows. Thank you for your prayers. Other than smelling like stale saltine crackers cause this formula really stinks, Emily is doing great. She was on her blanket today just cooing away...thrilled at something...maybe just being alive.

Still don't know

Emily still has blood in her stool. It appears to be less to me but she hasn't gone in five hours so we will find out soon. Sadly, the formula has caused a huge, nasty rash on her bum. So the current plan of action is wait and see. It can take a few days for the offending agent to exit the intestines so we are watching the poo carefully. If we see more blood, I take her in to the pediatric clinic tonight. If it stays the same, I take her in tomorrow. If the rash starts to bleed, I take her in as soon as it happens (need to prevent an infection).

I am totally bummed since I thought we had finally found the perfect combination to get her to gain weight (she gained 6 ounces last week and is up to 9 pounds 2 ounces...NINE POUNDS...MY kid is over nine pounds!!). Now I feel like we are starting over. Plus I always have it in the back of my head that they could take her back...I've been holding her as much as she will tolerate, just in case.

BUT, they keep saying, "Well, she's a big baby now..." and finishing by telling me that all the scariest scenarios that have been a reality for so long are very unlikely. Do you know how great it is to hear that? Instead of every possibility being a likelihood for my kid, I finally have the kid for whom they say - she's just too big for that. I really didn't think about the day this would happen but now it is here. SO, all this bad stuff is going on and all I can think is "I -me- I have the big baby! Thank you Jesus!". Thank you for your prayers!

Unbelieveable

So life just can't just roll on I guess. Emily has blood in her stool. I almost took her straight to the NICU since this was the problem we were so scared of while we were there (NEC)- an intestinal infection which can lead to the death of the cells and some very serious problems.

Luckily I called our dr first and found out that now that Emily is a 'big baby' it is not likely to be that. Sadly, she may have a milk allergy or an allergy to something else I ate. If she does, all my stored breast milk will be useless to her since we can't know what I ate at the time. We are putting her on formula for a week (this is the hypoallergenic stuff...it cost twice as much as regular formula...can you believe that? It should be illegal to charge that much to feed a baby!). Hopefully the blood will clear up and then we will try the milk again and see how she does.

I don't know how to ask you to pray for her, but please do...whatever source of nutrition will be best for her in the end is what we really want, so I guess pray that the situation will resolve and that we will be able to feed her whatever will be best for her. I trust God that He has her best in mind, so we just need to pray it through to His completion. Thanks!

Em's First Overnights

So we decided we needed a break from here and drove in to Grandma and Grandpa E's place for a couple nights. It was so relaxing! M and I went on a date Monday night and I actually got to the point where I completely forgot about my kids and my life for a couple hours. I can't believe what a relief it was just to not be stressed for a few hours! Other than my mom, they are the first people to fly solo with Em and they did a great job! Thanks guys!

Tuesday we went a little south to visit some friends for the day and apparently the only time I took any pics was at the park and their place. :) I like taking pics with our point and shoot until I get home and see the quality...sorry.

Oh, I almost forgot...Wednesday morning Em started tracking!!! I put the cell phone in front of her face and she looked at it and followed it across the room. As far as we know, this is the first time she has shown real signs of seeing anything!!! PTL!!

On Being Mom

People are starting to ask how I am doing and that is simple – better. Better than yesterday which is better than the day before that, but the reality of each day? Depends on the day you ask me.

If it is a day where Em is content to be in her chair or on her blanket and she decides that sucking is not such a hard skill to master…and K decides that playing with her toys is in fact a fun activity, then I am AWESOME! I get stuff done and the kids get fed and we have a lot of fun. I even start to think that I am the luckiest person on the planet. I have the easiest and most rewarding job I have had in a very long time.

If you ask me on a day where Em is struggling with gas (who wouldn’t If they added all that stuff to your food?) and spends the day crying over everything from wanting food to not wanting it to sucking being an impossible task and reflux being the worst thing that has ever happened…and K is teething and has decided that all her toys are boring and mom should be her source of entertainment, then I think I am going to go INSANE! I get nothing done. I am exhausted and pretty sure that if one of them starts to cry again, I might pull all my hair out. Then I start to wonder what in the world we were thinking even having kids and why am I stuck in the house…why can’t M be the one to stay home? A career is SO much easier.

So, which day did you call?

All that being said, last week I stopped pumping and since then, my entire perspective and outlook have been getting better and better. I never realized what a stress pumping was on me. For the first five months, I pumped 8 times a day (about four hours – mostly in lost sleep). When Em came home, I still managed to pump four times a day, but it meant I never got a break. I would get up, feed Em, feed K, pump, clean the equipment, try to remember to eat and then start over. If K was down for a nap, it was a race to the pump to get one in while she was down…same with my evenings after she went to bed. It was a little too stressful to have a high needs infant and the pump and a one year old. So when the six month rental ran out last Monday, we just took it back. I have a LOT of milk (two freezers), so we are comfortable that she will be supplied through these early critical stages. Honestly, I had guilt for the first few days and sadness that she would never breast feed (she wasn’t able to stay latched on for very long and with her recent inability to gain weight, getting her to breastfeed became a very low priority). Now, I feel great. I feel free, relieved...almost like the hardest part of this for me personally is over...and like I can take a breath and relax here and there. I even pulled some books out last night…I might get to start reading again! I’m going to start with how to raise a toddler. :)

With the rest of life, I just keep telling myself that this is just a time frame. It will end some day. So rather than wish it was different or worry about the future, I just live in the moment. You know how when you go through something, you realize how much you had taken for granted before and you vow you will never forget, and then you do? One of those things for me in this has been ACTUALLY living each and every moment in the right here and right now…something I THOUGHT I was doing before…only to realize I was always looking for the next thing. I also see God in virtually everything that happens and so I journal a lot cause I don’t want to forget these times.

Look at my girls having tummy time together. :) K just makes my heart sing!





I know this is already long, but I want to give an example from my journal cause I think most people can relate to this one: "Okay, so today K had a toy that needed new batteries. So I took it from her and of course it was one of those toys with a million tiny little screws that the world's strongest man tightened. So it took me a long time to get it apart and the entire time K was crying at me and screaming for her toy. The more I took apart, the worse she got. I wasn't mad at her, just sad she couldn't understand. I told her I would fix it and put it back together but while I was standing there listening to the onslaught, I heard God say - clear as a bell - look at your daughter, that was YOU not so long ago.

Really? That's what I sounded like to you Lord? Yeah, I can see it. From my point of view, you took my baby away from me and turned her into a million pieces and I stood at the gate staring at her broken form and begging for her back. I cried and screamed at You - often hysterically. I know it's true. I couldn't see Lord...now I see. You were up there the whole time saying, 'It's okay, B, I can put her back together again, just trust me, I can fix this. It's going to take some time though and in the mean time, you're going to be all right, just calm down. I (emphasis on I implying remember I am GOD) have this under control'. Oh yes, I remember hearing those words quite often but every time, it was hard to actually hear them. I couldn't remain in trust, I kept looking at the pieces. I was too scared You would leave her broken and maybe never give her back. I'm sorry Father. I'm sorry for all of it. Forgive me. Forgive me for not trusting you whole-heartedly. Forgive me for my lack of faith. Pause. Continue to carry us through this journey, Father. I trust you. I trust you. I trust you.

Oh, and when you put her new batteries in, could you make sure they are Energizer? I need a little energizer bunny running around my house in a few years! I love you!"