ONE YEAR!!

Emily Grace is one year old today!  We are going to celebrate on Wednesday when my parents are here so today was a pretty normal day...minus a hundred tiny outbursts of tears.  How many parents do you know who cry through their child's first birthday?  I am actually grateful that we couldn't have a party today because I would have been a wreck. 

My aunt said it best...when you go through something this stressful and hard, it is too much for the mind to comprehend, so our emotions do the talking.  Well, mine were talking up a storm today...well, actually it started last night when April called and said, "How are you doing with tomorrow?"  I asked her why she hated me and we talked.  I cried last night because I was scared of this day.  Why?  I have no idea.  Memories, fear, pain, elation, joy, gratitude...for so long, I didn't think it was going to come or, if it did, what it would bring with it?  Yep.

For me, today was a series of taking a look at the clock and then taking a look at Emily.  Let me explain.  Everything was normal, feeding kids, a trip to the park, visits with family and off to church.  Yet, periodically, I would look at the clock and have a very vivid flashback, "Wow, right now I (fill in the blank)...just found out I have complete placenta previa and the placenta is tearing away from the wall of my uterus.  They want me on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy." And I cry from memories of fear, sadness and uncertainty.  But then I would look at Emily and watch her walk around her play table and think, "She's smacking that play table like it did something wrong, transferring around it, and is so excited that she laughs for no apparent reason".  And I break out into praise to God and I cry some more.

Feed a baby, take a look at the clock and suddenly I am talking to the NICU consultant and she is telling me that if Emily comes this early she probably won't survive but if she does, there is a laundry list of issues she is likely going to deal with.  I am crying in my hospital bed.  I am crying in my house one year later.  Then Emily crawls over to me, stands up and grabs my nose.  Here she stands, in front of me, my curious little monster.  And I praise God and I cry.  She is staring at my face...seeing my face.  I praise God and cry a little more.  And this went on here and there all day long. Believe it or not, I looked at the clock right when I am pretty sure we named her Emily Grace...I kept thinking, "We named our daughter when I was in the most physical pain I have ever been in in my whole life...and yet her name is beautiful and a perfect reflection of God's hand that is about to grace her life."  Oh, and I cry some more.  The image I wish I could get out of my head is all the blood and the look on M's face as they wheeled me away.  The image I replace it with is right up the page and the look on M's face when he sees the Halloween pic of the girls.  

I get the parents of micro-preemies who don't want to celebrate their child's first birthday...I was there once.  Everything about that day is painful and wrong.  But over the course of this year, I have come to realize one thing: we aren't celebrating THAT day.  We are celebrating TODAY.  One year later.  On that day, everything went horribly wrong and dreams were crushed. On this day, hope is alive, Emily is alive and doing oh so very well.  So, no, I am not celebrating November 6, 2009, I cry in sadness over the memories from that day.  I AM, however, celebrating November 6, 2010.  The day that reminds us that we serve a GREAT God, that Emily Grace defies the odds...the day she wasn't supposed to be here.  I cry because the mountain she stands on today may seem teeny tiny to the world but makes Mt Everest seem teeny tiny to me.  She is victorious today and God willing will rise to even greater heights in the future.

I am going to end Emily's birthday by walking in to their room.  I will take a look at the TWO cribs with my TWO girls sleeping soundly in them.  I will kneel on the floor and praise our God in heaven who thought to give me such wonderful gifts.