Are You Ready?

Let me tell you a story. This will take a long time mostly because there are lyrics to five songs, so if you're in the mood, get a cup of coffee and settle in to your favorite chair. Or skip it completely and go to the pictures at the bottom.

For those who don’t know, I go to a very charismatic church and I love it. I find it incredibly freeing to throw my hands up in the air, jump up and down and sing as loud as I want cause no one can hear me. I have also discovered that my DSL line to God is through worship. I think it is the only time in my life when I am completely undistracted. As a double bonus, I don’t have to try to come up with words…they are already there.

Anyway, a long time ago…back when Emily was still in my womb, I was worshiping at church (oh, and I go to church on Saturday night) and God very clearly asked me, “Can I have her?”. I said, “Yes, of course, you know she is yours.”. To which He said, “No. I mean can I REALLY have her?”. I asked Him what He meant and I started seeing images of her. They started as her as an old single lady on the mission field doing great things – you know, the next Mother Theresa. God said, “No…” and another image of her younger popped into my mind and He said “No…” and this continued, with Emily getting younger and younger, and then I saw her as a teenager and I cried out, “Stop! No, I can’t look. Don’t show me. She is yours. Just please don’t show me.”. And I broke down in tears and had to sit down because I was shaking.

Anyway, I never thought I would share any of that but something happened. But, before I get there, I have a confession to make. I have gotten slack in my prayer and quiet time since Emily came home and it has slowly become evident in my behavior. Last week a couple of things happened, mostly with my kids, that shook me to my core. Nothing terrible, I just realized how that sounded. I am impatient which leads to anger and ridiculous displays of immaturity. They don’t deserve it and I hate that person anyway. You know what I am talking about…that UGLY person you become when your heart isn’t right/in tune with God…that is, unless you are a perfect Christian and in that case, I am not talking to you. So, naturally, I went berserk because all I could think was, “Did I REALLY just come through all that just to return to the person I was before it all began? Are you kidding me?”. So in normal Becky fashion, I got out three Christian books and started to read all of them at the same time. I turned on the Christian radio station and played it all day long. I saturated my mind. In the last few days, I have even started getting up before my kids to have a little time alone. Seriously? Yes. Why? I am more scared of becoming someone on whom all of this was lost than of being tired, having a messy house or, well, you get it.

Three days ago, I had just dropped K off and was heading in to the dr when a song came on about following God wherever He wants us to go and I am singing along and I hear, “Are you ready?”. My heart stopped and I heard the last refrain of the song repeated in my head and I thought, “Oh no”. Really? Yes, that is what I thought. I immediately asked God to forgive me for my fear and the pause in my heart when He asked me to go. I cried. Yeah, I do that a lot now. I am not who I was, how many times will I say that?

My belated response went a little something like this: God, you know I will go where you lead. It’s just that I am scared. The last time I said ‘yes’ to you, I felt like my life went haywire and my children were hurt through it. I believe that in the end it will be good but only because you promised it would. Right now, it still looks bad. I can think of a lot worse things that can happen and I don’t feel ready for any of them. In fact, I don’t feel ready for anything. Help me to overcome my fear and to trust wholly in you. Ultimately I know my faith in you will overcome my fear, so I say yes, but it’s a future yes based only on the fact that I trust YOU and if YOU think we are ready, then we are. But I’m scared. Please fortify my heart right now.

Over the past few days, my fear has lessened, although it rears it’s ugly head whenever I think about it. You know, like a good adversary, the devil keeps bringing up anything that has tripped us up before. BUT what is amazing, is what happened in church tonight. The sequence of songs that I sang openly and honestly to God went like this…

Okay, I bolded and italicized too much but I'm not going back to fix it.

Song 1: Freedom Is Here
The future comes alive
You speak Your word and I
I'm running into Your hope
Because I've seen Your light
You bring my world to life
I'm coming after You love

I'm not shaken
I'm not letting go

And everything comes alive
In my life as we lift You higher
Let Your freedom arise
In our lives as we lift You up
Sing it out
Sing it out
Your freedom is here

So take the limits off
No matter what the cost
I'm running after Your call
And I will run this race
See You face to face
So let Your power overflow

I will not fear
I will not hide You love
You love
All of my life
I cannot deny Your love
Your love

Song 2:Forever and Ever

Love so incredible to know
It's never gonna go, never gonna go
Love too impossible and true
For anyone but You, for anyone but You

I think I'm on the brink of something large
Maybe like the breaking of the dawn
Maybe like a match being lit
Or the sinking of a ship, letting go gives a better grip

I'm finding everything I'll ever need
By giving up gaining everything
Falling for You for eternity
Right here at Your feet
Where I wanna be
I am Yours

Love so indelible to know
You're never gonna go, you're never gonna go
Love too unthinkable and true
For anyone but You, for anyone but You

Song 3:This Fire Burn

We believe that the savior reigns
We will not be silent now
We won’t be ashamed
We know every knee will bow
Every tongue will confess your name

We will run to the pain and need
Where the broken hearts are found
We will be found.
We will shine in a darkened world
Like a fire in the night

Let your love be strong
Let worship be our song,
Let this fire burn bright
Let your grace reign down
Salvation is the sound
Let the fire burn bright

Song 4:Mighty to Save

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that's never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus

Then the worship leader started praying and he asked this question of us, “Do you really believe there is anything here that God can’t overcome?”. And you know what? He’s right. Not a chance.

Song 5:Stronger Than All

When I lose my step and guilt comes to own me
When my failure stands to fight for my soul
When all I can see is the depths of my fall
You’re stronger than all

When my strength wears thin and sickness surrounds me
When the pain sets in and healing comes slow
When doubt screams out lies and fear comes to call
You’re strong than all, o lord, stronger than all

Great is the Lord Our God and Greatly to be praised
Feared above all other Gods
The name of the Lord, tower strong
The righteous run to you and we will be safe in your arms.

When our candle fades and our strength has failed us
When the clouds roll back revealing your face
Revealing your strength
All knees will bow and you will stand tall
Stronger than all O Lord, stronger than all.


If that wasn’t enough, the entire sermon was about having a right heart with God…the “Heart Partnership” as he called it. I am slightly scared and running straight to God. It feels so good to wholly rely on Him again...I am so much more relaxed. He is in control so I don't have to be. What a relief!

The girls were dressed for church so I tried to get a couple pics...they aren't what I want but since they are cute anyway, I thought I would include them.


Playing with Dad's hat.


I don't know how this happened since I laid Em in the middle of the black sheet you see at her feet and left only long enough to change K's diaper, but apparently she loves to read...after she takes her glasses off. :)