I did not want to post this since we are in the midst of possibly getting sight for little Em but I have decided that I need some prayer as well. This latest trip has been hard on me and I wrote this in my journal last night.
"I have found over the past few days that I cannot really focus on much of anything and I notice it particularly when I try to pray. Honestly, I find that I really can’t pray. I can’t focus and when I tried to examine why, I couldn’t stay focused on that either. This was bothering me some but as I don’t have the strength to worry about anything, I just let it go.
As I was walking out of the hospital today, I had a vision of the root of a weed creeping its way into my heart and trying to take root. I realized quickly that fear and doubt were trying to get back in there and find a place from which to sprout. This scared me even more but I didn’t know what to do about it. And then my Dad called. I told him my concerns and among the things we discussed was the topic of being emotionally and mentally numb. It has been nearly three months since all this started with Emily and our family. In that time, we have recovered from surgery and the near loss of my life and the life of our daughter, we have gotten more colds than in the last three years total, K has been teething, learning to walk, talk, and trying not to get every cold M and I manage to find, we haven't slept (hardly at all), oh, and don’t forget making a million trips into the hospital, making a hundred different medical decisions for our ‘not yet born’ infant, pumping for four hours a day, and now traveling to Pasadena and staying with relatives while trying to keep life as normal as possible for our little girl that has to go through all this with us.
It has been overwhelming and the wear of three months of this is starting to show. What I believe is happening now is that my brain and my heart are finally shutting down. They are going into hiding so they don’t get crushed. The reserves are gone, everything is gone. I have poured out my heart to God so many times that I am just not sure I can even do it anymore."
I guess that says it. I find myself cycling through all the same emotions over and over, just at different times. I am back to being exhausted and wishing with all my being that this just wasn't my life...wanting to run away and wanting to stay in my house for an entire day, just relaxing. I know my life will never be the same but I just kind of miss the 'ease' of normal life right now...especially the routine and predictability...there is rest in knowing what the next day will most likely bring.
Well, one of the things my dad and I decided was that I am not allowed to think about the negative anymore...even if it means not thinking at all. So I am going to stop, go to my room and speak out loud the promises of God. I will tell God that I trust Him and I know the plans He has for me are good and that HE brought me here, therefore HE promised to get me through. He won't let me go and He won't leave me. So we carry on. Prayers for our emotional, mental and physical health and endurance are welcomed right now. Thanks. Will update tonight when we hear from the dr.
The life and adventures of two former MK's...and their new additions. Our first daughter was born full-term on Jan 19, 2009 and 10 short months later, our micro-preemie was born Nov 6, 2009 at 24w3d and 1 pound 6 ounces. Read her story and our journey below.
11 comments:
Becky, thanks for sharing your heart. You are lifted up. Know that even when you can't find it in yourself to pray, hundreds and hundreds of others are doing it for you. Let God carry you. I always think that is a picture of ultimate trust and rest - the way your Dad used to carry you when you fell asleep in the car. :) I'll be praying that way for you.
Thank you Becky for posting. Thank you for speaking the the TRUTH.
Thanks again for sharing your heart. It gives us all the details we need to go before the throne of God and ask for what you most need TODAY!! You four are loved and prayed for so often in our home. But we will focus on your heart today. We love you!!!!!!!
Keep speaking OUT LOUD those promises of God. Best defense their is! Love you, April
Dear Becky,
We've never met, but I've been following your blog since Emily was born. You have poured out your heart to all of us along this difficult road that you are on. That too, can be draining. You have allowed us to see you at your most vulnerable, as you yourself almost lost your life, and have suffered so much emotionally as you have helplessly watched your precious little Emily fight to live. And to be pulled back and forth between both of your daughters, has to be excruciating as well. A verse that has become very precious to me is Psalm 34:18,
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit." He understands what it is like to be crushed... Isaiah 53:5 says He was crushed for our iniquities. He allowed Himself to be crushed because of His great love for us. True love is sacrificial, and you have been living that these past 3 months. You have willingly given up the normal life for your daughter because you love her and she needs you. She is dependent on your love for her survival. One other verse..Romans 8:26-27"In the same way, the Spirit himself intercedes for us in our weakness.We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." We will continue to pray for you, and as others have said, lift you to the throne of grace with confidence, that you will receive mercy and find grace to help you in your time of need. (Heb.4:18) With love.
I know you are exhausted..you have been thru alot. I know when I have been at that place in my life I learned that I could still say the name, "JESUS", repeating it over and over and letting my mind concentrate on the name. Jesus gave the strength, power, and endurance as I called on Him. (I also couldn't pray, read, or do much else at these times...Jesus got me through. Praise HIM!) The Psalms often expressed my feelings.
Will keep on praying for you both and your family.
You are an amazing mom, and woman of God! Thanks for opening your heart again! I just read something yesterday, when I was having a low moment, that meant so much to me (and I haven't been through half of what you and Micah have!). "God, how glad I am that you don't expect a perfect performance. You are quick to mark every simple effort to please You, and just as quick to overlook imperfections when I meant to do Your will." -Tozer God knows where you are mentally and emotionally. He knows the way you have had to deal with things, and is fine with that because, He sees the simple things you do everyday, to glorify Him. Crying out to him and leaving to there is the only way to survive! We are praying everyday, for strength for Emily, but also you, M, and K!
I have never met you either, but have been following your blog since Emily was born. I pray for you and your family. You are so strong and faithful and I admire that. Please know that so many people are thinking about and praying for you and your family everyday. With love, K
I have never met you either, but have been following your blog since Emily was born. I pray for you and your family. You are so strong and faithful and I admire that. Please know that so many people are thinking about and praying for you and your family everyday. With love, K
I am sure there isn't one of us that would want to walk in your shoes. You have done a great job, and we will pray for your renewed strength.
I have been earnestly praying for your family. I'd like to share a devotional that has meant a lot to me. Isobel Kuhn said, "I have learned. . . that the spiritual is tied down to the physical more than is apparent."
"Christ..at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us./ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" (Ro. 8:34, 26).
"When missionary Isobel Kuhn was felled by the illness that eventually took her life, she was surprised to find it hard to pray. 'After my first operation,' she wrote in her book, In the Arena, 'finding I would have long hours just lying in bed, I said to myself, 'Good. Now I will employ this time in intercession and prayer. But to my surprise and alarm, I found I could not! What was wrong with me? Was I backsliding? Then I realized that to pray for others as I was accustomed to do required physical as well as spiritual strength. When I went to gather myself together for this concentrated work, I found there was nothing to gather...I just had to lie there and say, Well, Lord, I will have to ask You to read my heart as You read the names on the breast-plate of the high priest in days of old.'"
Are you ill (or with someone suffering)? Weak? Do your best to pray and search His Word; but even when you're too tired to pray, He knows your heart. And Jesus, Himself, makes intercession for you."
We at Bethel LB church in Fergus are continually praying for your family. God bless and touch you with His love, comfort, peace and strength. You are loved!
Post a Comment