In My Tears

This is a LONG journal entry from tonight but for those who want to read, I thought I would post. It is therapeutic to me to read other's thoughts as well as to write my own out so here it is.

"Last night I determined in my mind that I was going to settle my spirit, slow down, kneel, and pray. So I sat in the hallway between the two rooms the girls were sleeping in and before I even began, a deep sense of gratitude overwhelmed my heart and I began to weep. At first, I could not figure out why and then I realized, as I started to think about how to start praying that night, the words “Our Father, who art in heaven, HALLOWED BE THY NAME…” had just passed through my head and I was overwhelmed with a sense of the greatness of God. As I praised His name, the events of the last several months were slowly passed through my mind."

For those who don't know, I think in pictures. The images started with me on that fateful day in November when my world would forever change. So I began to relive those events, and this is my account.

"Of one thing I was sure, I was going to die. I mean 100% sure. When I kissed Micah goodbye, I actually thought, “Oh my goodness, I’m going to die”. Then I passed out. I woke up in a white room with lots of lights and very frantic voices trying to talk to me and oh so much pain as needle after needle was poked into my arms (my veins had collapsed and they couldn’t get the needles in). I heard them say something about a neonatal nurse and I stared at the ceiling trying not to think about the pain.

The white of the ceiling first became an image of God. I remember because I smiled and said "Hi Father" and a sense of deep calm rushed over me. Next, I saw an image of Micah and I realized he was going to grow old without me and I began to cry. Then I saw an image of Kylie and I saw her growing up without her mother and I began to weep. Just then a nurse leaned over me and asked me if I wanted her to pray for me. I remember thinking, “What? Did God send me the only nurse in the world who is a Christian or is she an angel?” all as I nodded yes and wept harder. All I remember thinking was, “Please God. PLEASE" and the world went black.

Coming out of the anesthesia was a slow process for me and since I couldn’t open my eyes, it was a very big mystery to me where I was and what was going on. But I didn’t have any conscious thoughts at first as the pain was so extreme thinking was impossible. I could hear voices nearby and I was trying so hard to cry out to them…my brain was saying, “Please help me!” but my voice wouldn’t work. Finally I figured out how to groan and so I kept doing it. It took all my energy to get loud enough for them to hear and finally a nurse came to ask me if I was in pain. I nodded and she must have done something about it.

The next thing I remember Micah was there and he was talking but I couldn’t understand anything until he said, “They want us to give her a name. I called Dad and the only names that mean grace in the Bible are Hannah and Grace (we had been talking about names for a couple of weeks now since we found out the baby was going to be a girl). Do you like the name Hannah?”. I shook my head no. “I still like Emily. How about Emily Grace?” he said. I nodded yes and he left.

Then my mom came in and she started to explain to me what had happened. I remember her saying, “She’s so small Becky, just tiny...and she's dark”. And as I tried to figure out what she was talking about, how could she possibly have seen my baby since she’s not coming for four more months, it hit me like a ton of bricks…oh my goodness, my baby’s not in my belly. That’s why I’m in so much pain. She’s out there. They said she most likely wouldn’t live if she came this early. Why is she out there? Can they put her back in? Oh no no. No, this is not right. Luckily, I was jolted from my train of thought when the nurse came in to tell me they were going to move me to my recovery room and I don’t remember anything for a long time after that.

The first time I managed to pry my eyes open, I was in a recovery room and a nurse came in to ask me some questions and let me know that my husband was visiting the baby and would be up soon. As I look back, I realize that at that moment, I had no clue what was really going on. People can tell you what has happened and even Micah’s face as he described the baby to me – the look of concern and sadness – didn’t put a dent in my understanding. I realize now that my brain could not grasp what a baby that small looked like, nor could I grasp the implications of her being outside me really were. All I knew was that everyone was talking about my baby and I still hadn’t seen her. When I asked why I couldn’t go see her, I found out it was because I was hooked up to something that couldn’t move. So I told them to remove it. They said that if they did that I would feel the pain again. I remember thinking, “What? Who cares?” but I sure hope it came out as politely as, “That is fine please remove it.”.

When I went to see Emily, I had to stand to see into her incubator and I always blamed it on the pain or the fact that they must keep the NICU really warm, but every time I would see her (for the next few weeks) I would get hot, sweaty, light-headed and nauseous. I could barely look at her and I can still get that feeling if I let myself think about it for too long.

For now, as per the crying last night, within a day of all this, everything became about Emily and I never realized that I never processed the emotions of my own experience and my brush with death. I never processed the fear, the sorrow, or the relief. I didn't have time - Emily's life was in the balance.

So this 'meltdown' of sorts has been coming for a while. I looked back in my journal and three times in the last month, I have had something happen (usually we are at a park and Kylie will flash a huge smile at me as she comes running to my arms) and I think, “Oh my goodness, you are SO cute! I can’t believe I almost missed this!”. And I will tear up and then tell myself not to think about it, now is not the time to cry. In the last week, I have thought that thought too many times to count…especially now with Emily starting to interact and roll over. But it isn’t just the good times. K was constipated this week and she had been crying for two days and as she was crying, I held her in my arms and I thought, “I almost missed the opportunity to comfort my little girl, right here in this moment. Thank you Father that I am here to be here for my little girl.”. For those who know me, that is NOT my normal response to crying. How changed I am.

So I guess I should have known it was coming, but it sure didn’t prepare me for the rush of emotion that has hit me in the last two days. As I sat in our hallway and listened to Kylie cough and Emily breathe, my original weeping – which began as fear and turned to relief – now morphed into such an overwhelming sense of joy and gratitude, that I started afresh with renewed crying energy. All I could think was I am here. I have TWO little girls. God HAS carried us through. He IS faithful. Not only do I still get to spend my life with Micah, we have Kylie and we have Emily. I can’t believe how kind He has been to me. I AM SO BLESSED. My gratitude overwhelms me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That was all I could repeat through my tears as my weeping carried on."

I never realized how long it would take me to process this experience but if I judge from where God had me start last night, apparently I have only just begun. God bless you all and may your prayers for us return to you one hundred fold.